Nonsensical Ramblings: Eating Out

So I found myself alone at home during dinner time, feeling very hungry and having nothing to eat.

Not wanting to starve to death and feeling damn sick of the nearby hawker center food -and- having no one to accompany me, I decided to make my way down to Lot 1 to have my dinner, -alone-.

Now, many people I know will balk at eating out alone and they will most probably order a take away instead but me, I am a hardened veteran of having my meals alone and most of the time, I prefer to eat out then to order a take away, for beside being an antisocial single guy, I also happen to be a Dota Addict and strangely, most of the time, my Dota Khakis like to have their game during my meal times.

Athough I am a man of iron will, the pull of a Dota game almost always proved to be stronger and thus, many a times I will end up having my meal while playing Dota.

As studies from Harvard have shown that multitasking while eating is an especially unhealthy habit and with me trying to lead a healthy lifestyle, I found myself eating out more and more often.

However, if you were to eat out alone as often as I do, you will find out that most makan places are not singles friendly at all. (It is as if those eating establishment do not welcome businesses from single people or maybe it is just a ploy of the Government to make life difficult for single people in a bid to make them get hitched and increase Singapore's population)

First of all, seats are problem if you are not eating in those high class places where there are waiters to serve you.

As I am a poor guy, I mostly eat out at food courts or fast food restuarants where there are free seatings (Free seatings in this case mean that you have to literally fight off others for your seat) and when you are eating alone, it is generally agreed upon that you can only go for the couples seat (aka the table for two).

It is considered very unfriendly to deprive a big group of their seats (the only exception being when you are starving and near death) when you are alone mostly because a big group of people can hit u harder then a lovey dovey couple can.

Secondly, after you identified the seats that you can go for, you will discover the second problem of eating alone.

There is no one to chope your seat for you.

Now in this situation, there are basically only 2 things you can do:

1) Technique One, also known as the Declaring The Table Under Your Territory Technique.

This technique involves placing any or whatever items that you have on the table/seats and thus declaring that the table belongs to you.

Generally, it is not a good idea to use valuables (such as your hand phone or your branded bag) for this technique for most probably you will lose your seat -and- your valuables. To be really safe, you should always bring a packet of tissue paper with you when eating out.

The tissue paper will allow you to execute the famous Tissue Paper technique (which basically involves you placing a packet of tissue paper on the table and thus announcing to all that the table now belongs to you).

2) Technique Two, also known as the Buy Food First And Hope To Find Seats Later Technique.

This method is mostly for those who do not have packets of tissue paper with them and also for those with an adventurous spirit.

For those who want to use this technique, it is very useful for you to also learn the Art of Acting Pitiful.

In order to get a seat, you have to first take your tray of food and stand near to a table where the occupants have almost finished their food. Then you have to look at those occupants with puppy dog eyes and basically try to look as pitiful and hungry as possible.

It is also helpful to keep hinting to the occupants that you are really hungry. Stomach growling is a good way, but if you are unable to achieve that, you can also try muttering that you are really very hungry.

For my dinner tonight, I used technique two to get my seat (a four seater) from this elderly couple who have just finished their food.

While I was enjoying my meal though, an auntie approached with her two very young and cute kids and asked whether I can share the seats.

While I recognized this technique as the I Have 3 People And You Only Have 1 So You Better Fucking Share The Seats With Us Technique, I being the nice person that I am, gladly agreed to share the seats.

However, after plonking the two kids (a boy of about four or five years old and a girl of about six or seven years old) on the seats in front of me, the auntie then left to buy food leaving me alone with her two kids.

While she was gone though, the young boy started firing a series of questions at me in English while his sister started playing with her hair or something.

Boy: "So what are you eating?"

Me: "um... Japanese food?" (I have no idea what I was eating actually, just that it was number 22 on the menu and consists of beef and fried salmon)

Boy:"So what is that?"

The boy asked, pointing at my bowl of soup.

Me: "Soup?"

Boy:"Oh... and what is that?"

The boy asked again, pointing at the salmon this time.

Me:"Salmon."

I was giving single word answers to project my unwillingness to reply to his never ending questions. But strangely though, the boy could not take the hint.

Boy:"Ok... and what is that?"

The boy was persistent and irritatingly curious as he pointed at the beef inside my tray.

Me:"um... that's a beef stew... I think..."

Boy: "Is it nice? Can I have some?"

Now, I wouldn't have minded giving him some of the beef stew, if only just to shut him up for a while but somehow, I don't think his mum would have appreciated a stranger giving food to her son and so I just smiled at him without answering and then hurriedly tried to finish my dinner.

Boy: "So what are you doing here?"

The question really stumped me and I was considering telling him that I was there to enjoy my dinner in peace and quiet when the boy's sister spoke for the first time.

Girl: "He's here to eat his dinner, stupid." (I seriously hope that the stupid refers to her brother and not me)

I shot the girl a grateful smile and gulped down my food, anxious to leave the table for the boy's interrogation is making me sweat more than a little but I was also a little bit worried to leave those 2 young kids alone at the table.

Luckily, the auntie returned with her trays of food just as I was about to finish my dinner. Swallowing the last morsel I hastily left the table.

On hindsight, I supposed that I was approached to share my table because I look like a nice guy.

I resolved to perfect my I Am Sibeh Unfriendly So Don't Approach Me to Share My Table look so that I will not be caught in such an awkward position when eating out the next time.